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Version 2.0
September 1998
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Beast of the Month - September 1998
Peckergate, Klintonian Sex Scandal
John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten) of The Sex Pistols, "Anarchy in the UK"
White House Spokesman Mike McCurry, responding to a reporter in January, who asked if the Lewinsky sexual allegations represented the low point of the Clinton Presidency.
Here is a quote from a Konformist reader's letter:
"Bill Clinton is an evil, lying, cheating, murderous scumbag!!! He has desecrated the office of the presidency!!! He deserves to be the Beast of the Month for every month until he is kicked out of the office like he deserves!!!"
The above letter is from April 1997, almost immediately after it was announced that the Beast of the Month trophy was being created. One or two similar letters have been coming in every week since.
This is a preface to explain the main reason why, for so long, the Beast trophy has eluded Slick Willie. It seemed that to point out that Klinton is Beastly is practically unnecessary, due to the blatant obviousness of his Beastocity. There is another reason, of course: as kreepy as he is, it didn't seem that the guy had peaked in his kreephood.
And yet, as summer winds down to a close, it is clear that the biggest opium to the masses this season isn't Steven Spielberg's latest masterpiece Saving Private Ryan, nor is it the outrageously hilarious gross-out (and new hair-gel recipe-maker) There's Something About Mary, nor is it even the turgid piece of crap known as Armageddon. No, it is Peckergate, the greatest presidential sex scandal to ever rock this supposedly once-great nation. And it is certainly the most inane media circus and collection of rogues - on both sides of the battle - since O.J. Simpson was framed for the one crime he didn't commit.
One wonders if Peckergate - the affair of President Klinton with college-age intern Monica Lewinsky and his subsequent lies and denials about it - has peaked yet. As hard as it is to believe, the answer is probably "no." Peaked or not, the scandal is just too huge and too ridiculous for the Beast-o-meter to ignore anymore, as it has been twitching off the charts for quite some time. The Dirk Diggler of Beasthood needs to get its rocks off, and by golly, who are we to stop it any longer?
And so, rather than wait for Peckergate to shoot its final wad of inane shock and scandal, it's getting it's Beast Trophy NOW, so we can move on to more interesting business. And in the process of moving on, twelve people are being spotlighted and rewarded for being inherently vile and repulsive in their participation in Peckergate. A Peckergate Dirty Dozen, if you will.
Rest assured, to cut the list down to twelve was not easy, nor was it enjoyable. A lot of Beasthood had to be overlooked to accomplish this. To aid in the making of this list, some people who are notoriously vile were removed, on the principal that their vileness is well-known independent to this case. (Sorry Janet Reno, Jerry Falwell, and Newt Gingrich.) Certainly there is room to quibble, just as there was for the AFI's 100 Greatest American Films List. Having said that, here is the list of cretins who have just been added to the Beast of the Month Hall of Shame for their participation in the Peckergate Circus:
Let's begin with BILL "SLICK WILLIE" KLINTON (1), the Peckerhead that is most to blame for this whole mess, though he moans and whines that he is somehow a victim. Slick Willie has proven, once and for all, that he is reckless, a liar, an adulterer, and can't be trusted one bit (not that we didn't already know all that.) For the stupidity of his actions alone he should be punished just in principal. Just what the hell was he thinking? The tragedy, of course, is that with all the focus on his blatant sexual addictions, Klinton is evading any examination of his real dirty deeds, such as Menagate or his dubious fund-raising through the China, not to mention the gross violations of civil liberties that have expanded during his reign.
Almost as important in this escapade is HILLARY RODHAM KLINTON (2), his apparently soon-to-be-ex-partner-for-life. After all, Hillary is far more deeply involved in the Whitewater muck than Bill ever was (she was a main lawyer involved in the money-laundering S&L swindle) which was supposedly the original target of the probe. Further, it is her reptile-like coldness and frigidity that made Willie turn to any college intern desperate enough to earn her Presidential Kneepads in the first place. Normally the wife of a careless philanderer like her husband is an object of pity, but the truth is, she's been practically begging him to cheat on her all this time, a beg that Willie has happily obliged.
Then there is KEN STARR (3), the "Independent" Counsel who has behaved so in contempt of good conduct in his $40 million "investigation" that he can almost make you feel sorry for the Klintons. (Almost, but not quite.) Starr previously was Solicitor General for George Bush. Among his worst misdeeds: subpoenaing private investigators who were hired by the National Enquirer to check out Starr's love life (he later reversed that, as it was a clear violation of the First Amendment), subpoenaing records of Lewinsky's book purchases, forcing Lewinsky's mother to submit to a grand jury interrogation about her daughter's sex life, and requiring the Secret Service to do the same, an unprecedented act. And yet, despite these outrageous McCarthy-like acts, he has managed to whitewash Whitewater (which is what his investigation is supposed to be about) and Vince Foster's "suicide", two of the more interesting angles an honest investigator could look at. The shocking big secret of Starr's "investigation", it turns out, is that Ken Starr has protected Klintonian Korruption more than he has fought it, perhaps because the deeper stuff implicates more than Slick Willie's penis.
Which leads us to SUSAN CARPENTER MCMILLAN (4) and ROBERT "BOB" BENNETT (5), the lawyers involved in the Paula Jones lawsuit, which provides the alleged legitimacy for the Peckergate charade. McMillan, a right-wing hatchet women, latched onto the Jones case shamelessly, using Paula for her own warped political agenda. Along the way, she had Starr work a brief in support of the Paula Jones lawsuit BEFORE his appointment as Independent Counsel (can you say "conflict of interest"?) It was the questioning on his "sexual relationships" with Monica Lewinsky that is the heart of the Peckergate Scandal, at least officially, even though the question had nothing to do with the lawsuit filed. Meanwhile, Bennet - the brother of mouth-foaming fascist William Bennett (ex-Drug Czar and finger-wagging author of the hypocritical Book of Virtues) and not to be confused with the Utah Senator reputed by some to be Deep Throat - behaved like an attack dog, accusing Ms. Jones of being a fabricator and psychologically disturbed (two attacks used on Monica Lewinsky as well by Klinton-linked pundits until his mea culpa.) All the more ironic, since if anyone was an undoubted liar and head case, it was Bennett's client.
And since we're on the subject of lawyers, how about DAVID KENDALL (6), Klinton's lawyer on the Starr Inquisition? It is Kendall who has the gall to argue that just because his client lied under oath, it doesn't mean he committed perjury. Who the hell is he kidding?
Of course, all this may have been ignored, if it wasn't for a trio of conniving operatives and self-promoters, LINDA TRIPP (7), LUCIANNE GOLDBERG (8) and MATT DRUDGE (9). Tripp, a former "administrative assistant" in Army Intelligence who once stated "I've worked on the covert side of the Department of Defense," illegally wired herself and taped her conversations with her so-called "friend" Monica about her dalliances with Klinton. This was done under the advice of her literary agent Goldberg, a former Watergate-era CREEP agent and peddler of lurid reactionary tomes. The story went nowhere until Drudge ran with it, claiming it as his own, even though he basically took a story deemed unsubstantiated by Newsweek. Thanks to this, Drudge (who incidentally is reputedly homosexual, not that there's anything wrong with that) has managed to single-handedly lower the standard of what constitutes a legitimate story - at least when dealing with sexual proclivities - a bar lowering that the korporate media and other dubious internet news sources have been more than happy to follow.
And soon, a circus had begun. MIKE MCCURY (10), Klinton's spin-spouting mouthpiece, helped stall for months what in retrospect is obvious thanks to his disingenuous "briefings" to the media which were nothing more than transparent denials. Meanwhile, Republicans in Congress have repeatedly been calling for Klinton's head over a matter that pales in comparison to Iran-Contra or the Bush Administration's misdeeds. Rabidly leading the charge was the virulently right-wing Congressman BOB BARR (11), a "former" CIA agent who comes from a district in Georgia owned by the diabolical Lockheed corporation, which shows his claims of being against "big government" to be as empty as any of Klinton's lies.
Knowing Klinton has been caught with his pants down, the White House needed a scapegoat. At first, there was an aborted attempt in February to raise the specter of Saddam Hussein, a ploy that wasn't bought by the masses. Still, a bombing run was almost heaped on Iraq, and the imminent attack was repeatedly referred to on ABC News (by the stomach-churning Sam Donaldson) as "bombing Saddam" or "attacking Saddam". (Sorry Sam. Saddam wouldn't be affected at all by this, though the already suffering Iraqi people certainly would.) In desperation, the Klintonians found their scapegoat at last: OSAMA BIN LADEN (12), an "Afghani Terrorist" who, surprise surprise, was financed by and trained by the CIA before his self-proclaimed Jihad against America and Israel and apparent involvement with two African Embassy bombings. Soon the missiles were blaring in Sudan and Afghanistan, and, for one moment anyway, Klinton was given a moment to breathe and come up with some sort of half-way convincing defense for his reckless behavior. Bin Laden, of course, was never targeted by any of the missiles, the excuse being that it's against the law for the U.S. Government to assassinate someone (like that would stop them.) The truth is, he wasn't killed, nor were Hussein and Kaddafi, because he is worth more alive: after all, what good is a scapegoat if he's dead? Instead of bin Laden, they did manage to bomb one of Sudan's few and precious manufacturing plants for medicine in the famine and disease ravaged nation. The plant was alleged to be a chemical weapons factory, a claim that is dubious at best: in any case, many Sudanese people will certainly die as a consequence of this attack, an attack that was only done in response of Klinton's pecker problems.
That is the real tragedy here: that there are actual dead bodies because of this mess. In the real world, when the president gets caught screwing around and lying, someone has to pay in blood. How interesting that all the focus is on his sexual acts and lies than the death and Pentagon dollars that are the legacy of Bill Klinton - as they are for every president. That the "I" word is being thrown around over perjury and adultery - and not for a reckless act of destruction - shows that it isn't just Klinton who has the warped values.
How will this soap opera end up? Will Klinton stay in office? Will his wife leave him? Will bin Laden continue being America's public enemy number one? Will Matt Drudge be a man and come out of the closet? The Konformist, for one, doesn't even care. The spectacle of Peckergate has only begun, but it is already pretty boring and sickening. It wasn't even that good the first time, when it was called Wag the Dog, but at least that had Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman in it.
In any case, we salute you, Peckergate, and everyone involved with it, as Beast of the Month. Congratulations, and keep up the great work, folks!!!
The Peckergate Dirty Dozen:
Bill "Slick Willie" Klinton
Hillary Rodham Klinton
Ken Starr
Susan Carpenter-McMillan
Robert "Bob" Bennett
David Kendall
Linda Tripp
Lucianne Goldberg
Matt Drudge
Mike McCurry
Bob Barr
Osama bin Laden
Post Office Box 24825
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