K2K3 - NOW MINT-FLAVORED!!!
Beast of the Month - July 2003
Ari "The Felcher" Fleischer, Shrub Press Secretary
"I yam an anti-Christ..."
John Lydon (aka Johnny Rotten) of The Sex Pistols, "Anarchy in the UK"
It is said that politics is the art of lying. That being the case, let's give George W. Bush his due: he is the most prolific politician in the history of the United States.
While the korporate media eats it own over the supposedly shocking Jayson Blair scandal (whose lies pale in comparison to his once fellow New York Times mouthpieces Thomas Friedman and Judith Miller in promotion of Gulf War II) they have, at least until recently, given Bush a free ride for his blatant falsehoods.
For the first two and a half years of Shrub's lying and illegal regime, the leading spokesman for Dubya's duplicitous trail has been Ari "The Felcher" Fleischer, White House Press Secretary and The Konformist Beast of the Month. Ari has earned the nickname "Felcher" within The Konformist staff due to the pathetically sycophantic nature of his pathological public pronouncements, lapping up the officially sanctioned lies spilled out by Team Shrub and regurgitating them for all to hear. Indeed, he rivals Waylon Smitters of The Simpsons as an icon of snivelling lapdoggery for his deeds. Of course, comparing him to Smithers doesn't give Fleischer the historical credit he deserves: not since Goebbels has there been a man who perfectly exemplifies the Big Lie technique at its fullest.
To call Ari a spin doctor would be flattering: after all, the term "spin" implies a recognition of objective reality, but merely framing the reality in a way which best suits ones objectives. Fleischer (like the entire Bush team) reject such basic concepts as easily as they do legitimate elections: there is barely any attempt to have their pronouncements match the facts presented. And unlike the brazen lies of, say, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf (the former Iraqi Minister of Information) he does his without any charm, humor or panache.
A great competitor for Ari in the Lapdog 500 would be the establishment media in general. Still, even Ari can be too much for them: at one point during the leadup to "Operation Iraqi Freedom" he was asked if aid to Mexico was an attempt to curry their vote in the UN Security Council. Ari ludicrously declared, "You're saying that the leaders of other nations are buyable. And that is not an acceptable proposition." He was literally laughed off stage by the press.
If such justice was more common: on September 26, 2001, Ari was asked about the drubbing comedian Bill Maher received for politically incorrect comments on his show Politically Incorrect. Maher, a glib man of wasted talents, nonetheless accidentally showed bravery on his normally spineless show by declaring on September 17: "We have been the cowards, lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly." He soon was attacked by a campaign fueled by frothing right wing radio, and though Maher quickly and predictably wimped out, his show was soon cancelled over the controversy, though he now has an even lamer one on HBO. Ari approved of the hysterical campaign against Maher, and added that Americans should "watch what they say and watch what they do." There was little reaction from the press at the time, though the White House, apparently aware of the speech-chilling tone of such declarations, deleted the comment from its official transcripts. (Not to be outdone in the liar's sweepstakes, when the coverup was uncovered, the White House claimed it was due to a "transcription error.")
In late May, Ari announced that he would be leaving his post in July. He is not alone in the "Sayonara Shrub" parade. Among them are Budget Director Mitchell Daniels, EPA chief Christine Todd Whitman, Army Secretary Tom White and "Iraqi Freedom" warlord General Tommy Franks. All the resignations lead to the question if some major scandal is brewing. After all, the whole case of the war against Iraq (the supposed WMDs they supposedly had ready to use against us) is increasingly proving to be a pack of lies. Do they know something that we don't?
Whatever the case, don't feel bad for Ari. Considering his extraordinarily noted ability to spinelessly spin lies, he'll no doubt be able to cash out working as a mouthpiece for some corporation that needs an effective liar as their front man. Paging Monsanto and Halliburton.
In any case, we salute Ari Fleischer as Beast of the Month. Congratulations, and keep up the great work, Ari!!!
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