The Konformist

December 2000

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God Save the Shrub

Robert Sterling

Editor, The Konformist

There was a moment during the entire Votescam fiasco where I began to panic.

That moment was on December 8th, when the Florida Supreme Court ruled that a hand recount of Florida votes (a step that, until this election, has been a given in any close race involving punch-card ballots) would be done throughout the state.

Clearly, I was not the only one in a panic: the swine-like Bush Campaign Team were nervous as well, knowing full well that an honest investigation of the undercount votes would show that Bush had lost the state. Already, G.W. had broken out with boils on his smirking mug and Donkey Dick Cheney had his ticker give out, but this was serious business.

My panic was, like Shrub's, based on naked self-interest. When your economic success is tied to the existence of a fraudulent political system, a bogus G.W. Bush "victory" is a wet-dream boondoggle. Yet, here it was, a decision that threatened to help install a President who would have one thing going for him, namely a legitimate claim for the title.

Whew, that was a close one.

Let there be no doubt: the sham election of "president" Bush means The Konformist will soon receive a huge windfall. We are now in the lucky and fortunate position to be ready to slice up a crooked Swindler-in-Thief for up to four years.

Let it be known that The Konformist will not lie and pretend that Bush has any legitimacy in the White House. George W. Bush has as much claim for being "president" as I do on being Pope.

That said, The Konformist has promised to devote a serious portion of its pages to undermine, embarrass and humiliate George W. Bush, a task that we promise to do with naked glee. Rest assured, the writers are all lining up for the opportunity to slam the officially sanctioned scapegoat for the New Millennium. We will slash him, pound him, hack him, and turn him into an even more pathetic shell of a man than he already is. When we are through with smearing his sorry ass, he won't even be competent enough to tap a keg anymore (the only thing he is qualified for now.)

Let the rest of the blowhards beg people to "unite" and "heal a nation." Fuck that!!! Our country needs no healing, it needs an ass-kicking, for allowing a den of thieves to steal the presidency from them. And we at The Konformist are perfectly positioned to do precisely that. And kick ass we shall, picking the scabbed skin left on Uncle Sam's face with a renewed sense of dedication.

And the best thing is, with Al Gore having predictably resigned in the face of theft, we can repeat what we have been saying all along: it's not about Gore, a man who didn't deserve a single vote that he got, even in a state like Florida that he won. No, this wasn't about Bush Vs. Gore, this was about Bush Vs. the right for people to select their leader through legitimate means. And since Bush has stolen a victory, we are now declaring "Open Season" on the dunce.

The great campaign of disdain for "president" Bush has already begun, but will heat up with his inauguration. In case people have forgotten, there were little skirmishes in Seattle in November 1999 and D.C. in April. Those skirmishes were child's play. After all, who the hell had even heard of the WTO or the IMF before those protests? Not many people, that's for sure. So imagine what the response will be to a man stealing the highest office in the land, a fact that has been shoved in people's face for over a month right now.

Charles Ramsey got his D.C. troops in good pre-season shaping at the batting cage last November, and no doubt the shock-troops of our Nation's Capital will be ready to behave like thugs at the greatest mass rebellion in American History. In the end, though, even if they win the battle, they shall lose the war. D.C. will look Tiananmen Square, and "president" Bush will have his presidency bathed in blood from day one. Never again shall the United States be looked at as a symbol of freedom.

It will get even worse when news organizations count the votes themselves (something that could've been easily done by government officials) and uncover the rather evident: that Gore, even excluding all the doubled punched votes and ballots that dubiously selected Pat Buchanan, actually won the race. That will be a major blow to the American psyche.

Finally, there is the fact that every time he visits a foreign country, the people of these lands, seeing quite clearly in his face that he has the intellectual grasp of a retarded dog, will openly mock him, laughing and chuckling at the bogus emperor in his naked glory. But they won't just be laughing at him, they will be laughing at us, believing that we are the most sorry gang of suckers and fools to ever occupy the planet. And the punch line is they will be right.

Ah yes, it's going to be fun. Let the games begin!

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